That BIG decision...

When I went on maternity leave in late December last year, I was working night shift as a staff RN in one of our hospital's ICUs.  I've actually been doing night shift for my entire nursing career, which is coming up on seven years!
Let me just say, nursing is a very demanding job. It's completely selfless and can be mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting.  The patients in our hospital are VERY sick.  Patients come to us for "Higher Level of Care," I feel like we are sometimes their last hope.  That said - I wouldn't want to do anything else, unless I could be a stay at home mom of course!  While I was pregnant, this already difficult job, got a lot harder.  I spent a majority of my time off, sleeping.  I decided that when I came back from leave, I would like to go to dayshift.  I was totally content in that decision, until...
A week or so after I left for maternity leave, I learned that one of our Clinical Coordinators (AKA Charge Nurse) had resigned from the position, which sparked an interest for me. I have strong leadership skills and felt I would be a good fit for the job.  I had already been acting as relief charge nurse for a couple of years and I was ready for a change.  Being a clinical coordinator means less patient care and more management driven skills.  I reached out to my manager and made sure to apply when the position was opened up online.
Since January, I've been going back and forth.  Do I want to work nights as a charge nurse or do I want to work days as a staff nurse?  I've weighed the Pros & Cons a million times, at least. I decided the only way I would go back to nights, was for the Clinical Coordinator position.
Here are some of my Pros/Cons.

NIGHTS 

Pros:

New Position - a change I had hoped for

Management - minimal patient care

More Money!!

No more union dues

No weekends required

Brett could go to auditions during the day because, technically, I'd be home
Veda might not even know I'm gone at night

Cons:

Difficult sleep/wake cycle

Lose a day for each day worked due to prep sleep/recovery sleep

I may hear Veda/Brett during the day and get less sleep

I'll get to see Veda for a couple hours a day - 

Brett would be sitting at home with her at night, and caring for her during the day

Brett would miss many shows

DAYS

Pros: 

Totally different than nights - can learn a lot

Can still care for patients

Will not have to flip/flop schedule

Therefore, can work every other day if I chose 

Covered by the union

Brett will not have to miss shows and can schedule auditions on my off days

Brett will only have to watch Veda during the day

Cons:

Less money

Busier 

Long days away from Veda

Brett may have to miss meetings/auditions

Not sure how much support I'd have to continue pumping/breast feeding

Maybe you can see why this was such a difficult decision for me, the pros and cons are almost equal. 

I had an interview a couple of weeks ago with the other three clinical coordinators, my manager, my director and another nurse who work(ed) on the unit.  I was nervous for a few reasons, (1) it's an interview (2) I still have serious baby brain!

I've gone back and forth and back and forth and asked family and friends for advice.  Brett and I have talked at length about what would be best for us.  I asked co-workers who work both day and night and have small kids what they prefer and why.  Honestly, it was a mixed response. I was kind of hoping someone could make the decision for me ;) 

Either way we don't have to use daycare, which I'm so grateful! We are going to interview some babysitters for last minute things (ex I'm at work and Brett has an audition or a show).  

I've ultimately decided that it is not in my/our best interest for me to return to night shift at this time, so when I do return to work in early June, it will be on day shift!  I'm feeling both excited and guilty about this decision.  

I came to the realization today, that I never really make decisions with MY BEST INTEREST in mind.  I care too much about how what I do will effect other people.  I feel guilty because I'm leaving my coworkers on nightshift.  I know the person who is taking over is an incredible nurse and will do an excellent job, I just feel bad.  My coworkers trust me, asked me to take over in this position and have expressed that they can't wait for me to come back. But I'm not, not to nights anyway.  I'm sure they will be happy for me, but I still can't help feeling like this.  This is probably the only time I've made a decision with me and my family in mind.  I'm not bending over backwards to make someone else happy, I'm making myself happy.  Brett asked me if I feel like this is holding back professionally, I told him "There will be other opportunities, however, the next position I'm applying for is full time mommy." ;) 

My hope is that I can confidently say, in six months, that this was the best decision I've made, career-wise, so far.  So here's to new journeys and experiences!