dilemma...ish

brett told me if i don't blog again soon, he won't love me anymore. i hate ultimatums... 

but seriously, it's been awhile since i've blogged anything of importance. 

brett flew back to kansas on thursday, i will meet him there on wednesday which i'm super excited about! he had an amazing show in his hometown on friday, unfortunately did not get a tape though. there were 300ish people there to show love & support! i love small towns!

i'm not sure if i've mentioned it before or not, but brett's been changing since the accident. he talks about moving back home, being near family, changing his life around and really wanting to help people. since he's been home, he's been feeling really loved on by the locals, but i'm pretty sure it's creeping him out as usual. he craves respect and attention, but when he gets it, when people put him on the pedestal, he freaks the eff out! example: paso robles. our california hometown was filled with people who loved him. worshiped him. it was weird for him. he wanted to move to la. to be ignored. we moved to la. he's not completely ignored, but he isn't worshiped and now he wants to be back in a place like paso... i think. 

the boy is a walking contradiction. the dilemma i'm faced with right now is that he's been home for a whole 3 days. i have yet to experience home since the accident. all we've been talking about is getting the hell out of dodge and back to the midwest. now today he tells me 'we need to talk.' in other words, he's slowly changing his mind again. the problem is i've already told him 'i am moving back in august '09, i really want you in my life, but you have the choice to stay or come with me.' 

he tells me that the people back home have problems. doesn't everyone? especially cats from la? he tells me, yeah but you can choose who to befriend in la. well we have chosen a select few that we actually enjoy their company and appreciate their minds. he says, but i kind of like that we've established a life out there by ourselves. what life? i sleep my misery away. i sleep all day because when i wake up i have to spend money, a lot of money. 

on friday night it was quite apparent to me that i was ready to be back home. my usual 12 mile drive to work took over an hour. as if that's not frustrating enough, i get to work and have to float to another less than glorious unit, because we're budget cutting. that happens when your hospital is multiple millions of dollars in debt and your stock is LESS THAN ONE DOLLAR. i just hope we're still open after the new year so i'll have a job! 

i know, and have known, la is not home for me. i loved paso, but it's not home for me either. i want to be within driving distance of my family. i want to live in a place that i can afford. 

i don't know what to do with brett. he called me last night and told me he was doing all of these family things, christmasy things, small town things and was enjoying it. i was shocked, but secretly overjoyed... until i talked to him this morning.

what's a girl to do? i cannot imagine my life without him. i want little brett & chaynas running around our house in kansas city someday. someday kind of soon. like within five years soon. i can't have little bretts without big brett. i've never been in love like this. and i feel kind of selfish because i know that i can do my career anywhere in the world and if he wants to 'make it' he has to be either here or NYC. and lets be honest, if thats the only choice, i'd pick here. 

but brett traveled as a stand up comic before we moved to cali. made money doing it. actually got a high from being on stage. being respected by the locals that came out to the show. he's a nomad and loves meeting new people. it was great. why can't we go back to that and come out to la on an as needed basis? like pilot season? 

i just don't know what a girl is supposed to do??? and i really don't want to worry about it right now because we're in a lease until august anyway. what's the point of worrying about it for 8 more months? right now i'm just going to focus on getting back to KC safely!

aNoThEr MoNdAy FuNdAy SuRvEy

the year is almost over kids, so let me fit in yet another survey to wrap it up... stolen from myspace

JANUARY

1. Who kissed you on New Years?

I had to work NYE and the next morning I drug Brett out of bed to have a mimosa with me:) 

2. Did you have a New Years Resolution this year?

No, I never stick to them anyway. I do always start the New Year refreshed and with a lot of good ideas: be more healthy, be thankful for what I have, try to see the good in people... but like I said, it usually doesn't last!

3. Does it snow where you live?

If I wanted to drive to the snow, I could be there in a couple of hours. Next year it will snow where I will live.

4. Do you like hot chocolate?

I love it!

5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?

No and I would rather slit my wrists than be amongst all of those people in the freezing cold!

FEBRUARY 

1. Who was your Valentine?

Brett Michael Riley

2. When you were little did you buy Valentines for the whole class?

Of course! 

3. Do you care if the groundhog sees his shadow or not?

No, for two reasons. One, I really don't remember what it means and two I live in California... it's never really a harsh winter.

4. What did you receive for Valentine's Day?

I don't think we exchanged gifts. My mom sent me some candy & a card.

5. What did you give for Valentine's Day?

I sent my mom a gift, but again, Brett & I didn't exchange gifts.

MARCH

1. Are you Irish?

My grandma informed me that Gramps was a little bit English Irish. I didn't think so, and I'm still not really sure. 

2. Do you like corned beef and cabbage?

Never tried it and don't really have the desire to.

3. What did you do for St. Patty's Day?

Erica was in town and we drank by the pool all day, then Brett performed at the Hollywood Improv that night... I consumed 4 waters at the Improv. Awesome.

4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over?

When I lived in the midwest I used to be happy when it was close to being over. Now I don't mind winter because I enjoy occasional rain.

5. Did you get tons of candy for Easter?

Yes, my mom still sends me a boatload. 

APRIL

1. Do you like the rain?

As I said earlier, I love the occasional rain. Love thunderstorms!

2. Did you play an April Fool's joke on anyone?

I don't think so.

3. Do you celebrate 4/20?

NO. Even though I live in Cali, no.

4. Do you love April?

I don't hate it.

5. Is your birthday in April?

No

MAY

1. What is your favorite flower?

Stargazer lilies 

2. Do you celebrate Cinco de Mayo?

Yes, but I like to call it, my birthday!!!

3. Do you celebrate May 16th: National Piercing Day?

This is a new one.... uh no.

JUNE

1. What year did you graduate from high school?

I graduated early, in November 2000. I walked with my class in May 2001.

2. Did you do anything fun during this month?

Yes! My mom came to visit! We went to Griffith Park, Santa Monica, shopping and all kinds of fun things:)

3. Have a favorite baseball team?

I'm not a big fan of baseball, but I do enjoy going to a Dodgers game when the offer is on the table!

JULY

1. What did you do on the 4th of July?

Brett & I drove down to Redondo Beach, got in an argument, turned around and went back to North Hollywood

2. Did you go to the fireworks?

We watched them from the roof of our apartment building

3. Did you blast the AC all day?

All year round pretty much!

AUGUST

1. What was your favorite summer memory of 2008?

Going to Magic Mountain on my birthday, and then again when Melissa came out to visit, when my mom visited, when Brett's dad & brother visited... I guess I have the most fun when our families and friends come to visit

2. Did you have a sunburn?

Not in August. In June I had a hell of a sunburn thanks to my mom's visit where we laid by my pool for countless hours and then at the beach. OUCH!

3. Did you go to the pool a lot?

Occasionally, we didn't really utilize our amenities at the gallery. Ew. Too many icky people.

SEPTEMBER

1. Are you attending college?

I've been done for nearly three years! And I really don't want to go back...

2. Do you like fall better than summer?

YES! It's finally under 100 degrees!

3. What happened this month?

I made an impromptu trip home and then came back to LA just in time for Brett to get in a life-threatening car accident. 

OCTOBER

1. What was your Halloween costume?

We stayed home since Brett wasn't getting around too very well.

2. What is your favorite candy?

Chocolate, Red Vines, Skittles, chocolate covered marshmallows, Cadbury Eggs, everything...

3. What was your favorite thing about this month?

hmmm.... nothing stands out really

NOVEMBER

1. Who's house do you go to for Thanksgiving?

I used to go to my Aunt Jane & Uncle Todd's house for Thanksgiving, until I moved out here. Next year I plan on being at their place!

2. What are you thankful for?

I'm thankful that Brett's made an awesome recovery. I'm thankful for our family & friends. I'm thankful to have a job that won't be cut during this awful economy. I'm thankful for my health. I'm thankful for A LOT.

3. Do you love stuffing?

No I don't.

4. Anything special happen this month?

Nothing special happened to us, our friends Eric & Kaitlyn moved to Nashville though!

DECEMBER

1. Do you celebrate Christmas?

YES!

2. Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe?

Probably, nothing too memorable if I was.

3. What do you want this year?

I'm a brat, I want so much this year! I don't need a lot, just have a lot of wants.

4. Get anything special last year?

My mom got us some pretty sweet Pampered Chef pots & pans. Brett & I bought ourselves a Wii & a new vacuum. I think he was most excited about the vacuum though. 

5. What do you love most about December?

It's a love/hate thing I've got going on with December. I like that I don't have to work much, but I hate that no money appears in my bank account when that happens. And I really like that people are in the 'giving spirit' and not everyone is a complete a-hole!

my boyfriend bought me flowers!

for no apparent reason except that he loves me:) and probably the sweetest card ever! i'm on cloud 9, so that's all she wrote!

first blog on my mac book:)

yeah! i got a new computer... that i'll be paying off for the next year... yippee! i must say the mac is very easy to navigate, efficient, and beautiful. oh and the 'greenest' computer on the planet. go me for saving the earth. all in a days work...

this is just a quick post so i can get back in the hang of things. i am so blessed. i have some pretty amazing 'in-laws.' because of brett's tragic accident, the crappy economy and only being able to see our families once, maybe twice a year, i've been quite grumpy. understandably so, right? unfortunately i'm taking it out on brettro. poor guy sits at home all day/every day, thinking. he's mobile now but tires easily and doesn't have a car at this time. so we've been at each others throats as of late. he's been planning to get home to gain some perspective, but california has us in shackles and chains with this whole registration ordeal.  anyway, it had pretty much been determined that i would not be able to get home until january thanks to being broke... until yesterday. brett's family is actually going to fly us home for the holidays!!! after some swift rearranging of my schedule, i'll get to be home for a week, including christmas eve (the big celebration night on his mom's side)! 

i'm pretty sure everyone will make it home this year, even the riley side from my understanding. it's so great to be surrounded by friends and family during the holidays. actually, every day that i am able to hang out with my family and friends i feel thankful. 

my mom is sad because i won't be staying at her house, but i was just there in september and saw everyone. weather permitting my mom will be able to get down to kansas for a couple of days to hang out with me. now i'm sure once we return to LA from kansas, we'll be rethinking the whole move back secondary to the weather... but i'll have to revisit my old blogs to remind me how much i really want to be home. 

so a quick shout out to the rileys, a huge thank you and big hug! see you all very soon!