dilemma...ish

brett told me if i don't blog again soon, he won't love me anymore. i hate ultimatums... 

but seriously, it's been awhile since i've blogged anything of importance. 

brett flew back to kansas on thursday, i will meet him there on wednesday which i'm super excited about! he had an amazing show in his hometown on friday, unfortunately did not get a tape though. there were 300ish people there to show love & support! i love small towns!

i'm not sure if i've mentioned it before or not, but brett's been changing since the accident. he talks about moving back home, being near family, changing his life around and really wanting to help people. since he's been home, he's been feeling really loved on by the locals, but i'm pretty sure it's creeping him out as usual. he craves respect and attention, but when he gets it, when people put him on the pedestal, he freaks the eff out! example: paso robles. our california hometown was filled with people who loved him. worshiped him. it was weird for him. he wanted to move to la. to be ignored. we moved to la. he's not completely ignored, but he isn't worshiped and now he wants to be back in a place like paso... i think. 

the boy is a walking contradiction. the dilemma i'm faced with right now is that he's been home for a whole 3 days. i have yet to experience home since the accident. all we've been talking about is getting the hell out of dodge and back to the midwest. now today he tells me 'we need to talk.' in other words, he's slowly changing his mind again. the problem is i've already told him 'i am moving back in august '09, i really want you in my life, but you have the choice to stay or come with me.' 

he tells me that the people back home have problems. doesn't everyone? especially cats from la? he tells me, yeah but you can choose who to befriend in la. well we have chosen a select few that we actually enjoy their company and appreciate their minds. he says, but i kind of like that we've established a life out there by ourselves. what life? i sleep my misery away. i sleep all day because when i wake up i have to spend money, a lot of money. 

on friday night it was quite apparent to me that i was ready to be back home. my usual 12 mile drive to work took over an hour. as if that's not frustrating enough, i get to work and have to float to another less than glorious unit, because we're budget cutting. that happens when your hospital is multiple millions of dollars in debt and your stock is LESS THAN ONE DOLLAR. i just hope we're still open after the new year so i'll have a job! 

i know, and have known, la is not home for me. i loved paso, but it's not home for me either. i want to be within driving distance of my family. i want to live in a place that i can afford. 

i don't know what to do with brett. he called me last night and told me he was doing all of these family things, christmasy things, small town things and was enjoying it. i was shocked, but secretly overjoyed... until i talked to him this morning.

what's a girl to do? i cannot imagine my life without him. i want little brett & chaynas running around our house in kansas city someday. someday kind of soon. like within five years soon. i can't have little bretts without big brett. i've never been in love like this. and i feel kind of selfish because i know that i can do my career anywhere in the world and if he wants to 'make it' he has to be either here or NYC. and lets be honest, if thats the only choice, i'd pick here. 

but brett traveled as a stand up comic before we moved to cali. made money doing it. actually got a high from being on stage. being respected by the locals that came out to the show. he's a nomad and loves meeting new people. it was great. why can't we go back to that and come out to la on an as needed basis? like pilot season? 

i just don't know what a girl is supposed to do??? and i really don't want to worry about it right now because we're in a lease until august anyway. what's the point of worrying about it for 8 more months? right now i'm just going to focus on getting back to KC safely!